


The Hardest Thing

by onyxfyrefly



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, M/M, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-01-03 21:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12154929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onyxfyrefly/pseuds/onyxfyrefly
Summary: "The hardest thing I ever had to do, was look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you...





	1. Chapter One

Tony’s head snapped up as Jarvis abruptly shut off his music. “What the hell, J?”

“Pardon the interruption, sir. Mr. Liesmith is requesting access to the workshop.”

“Why didn’t he just pop in here as usual? Is he hurt or something?”

“Not that I can tell,” replied the AI. “You did engage privacy mode however which locks out everyone, including Mr. Liesmith.”

The engineer felt something hard settle in the pit of his stomach. Loki was always more than happy to prove how superior magic was to technology. He took a certain joy in overriding Tony’s protocols as if they were nothing. For him to actually ask to be allowed in the lab was suspicious at the least. “Let him in.”

A moment later Loki came striding in. To the naked eye he seemed to be in once piece but Tony could tell that there was something on his mind. After living with the mad god for over a year it was easy to see the nervous twitch of his fingers and the way his eyes darted from side to side, never lingering on one object for too long.

“Anthony, may I have a moment of your time?”

Tony’s heart sank. That was Loki’s equivalent of ‘we need to talk’. And everyone knew that nothing good ever came those talks. “Of course. What’s on your mind, snowflake?”

For a split second Loki’s mask faltered and Tony was able to glimpse the pain that twisted the sharp features. It only lasted a moment before Loki schooled his face back into a look of calm indifference. “I wanted to tell you that this affair between us has gone on for too long. It ends now.”

Luckily there was a chair nearby because Tony’s legs suddenly would no longer support him. “What?” He wanted his answer to be much longer and more elegant but at the moment his brain was having trouble processing Loki’s words. 

They’d been together for 10 months, one of the longest relationships of Tony’s life. What started off as trading insults and barbs had morphed into trading heated kisses and frenzied hookups when the team wasn’t looking. The rough words and even rougher sex evolved into long nights spent together which melted into lazy mornings holding each other close. The two bonded over despondent childhoods and the joy of watching explosions in the lab. No longer were they forced to fight through panic attacks alone, many a night one partner sat awake guarding the other from their nightmares. It was after one such dream, sweat still fading and heart still racing, did Tony breathe his love against Loki’s lips. To his shock the god replied in kind and the two replaced their nightmares with more pleasurable pursuits. 

Loki made Tony _want_ to be better. He’d practically given up drinking and Loki had no problem holding him close when the pain of withdrawal made his spine arch and his bones ache. Tony indulged god’s mischievous nature and threw himself into the pranks played on the team with gusto. Loki lured him out of the lab claiming to be interested in one sight or another across the globe so Tony was actually living, not just hiding. Instead of spending hours in the lab Tony’s days were spent climbing mountains or hacking through jungles, sampling exotic foods and making love to the roar of the sea. In less than a year Loki transformed Tony from someone who was merely surviving to someone who thrived.

“What?” Tony repeated, his vast intellect failing him in his shock.

Loki rubbed a hand over his mouth. “This was a mistake, I should never have let things escalate to this point. You were simply supposed to be a distraction, something to waste my time upon while I ‘redeemed’ myself in Odin’s eyes. I should never…”

“Never what?” asked Tony coming to his feet. His brain had finally rebooted and now he was pissed.

_‘He’s angry. Good. He’s going to need that fire if he hopes to win this upcoming war.’_

“You should never have what? Kissed me? Fucked me? Loved me?” Tony’s voice wavered on the last two words and he turned away to compose himself.

Loki licked his lips and nodded. “Yes to all of those things. I should have stopped you that very first night but I am greedy and I could not stop. After each kiss or touch I wanted more and more. You became an addiction, Stark.”

_And I cannot stop. I do not want to stop. How am I supposed to survive without you?_

“Why? Why now? Yesterday we were planning a trip off word. You were going to take me to see the forges of the dwarves. What changed?”

“I woke up. I realized that I had wasted nearly a year on a mortal that will be gone in a heartbeat. I could have used all of that time to plan, to prepare.”

“For what?” Tony took Loki’s hands in his own. “Lokes, you’re starting to scare me here. What’s going on? Yesterday we were happy. Hell, this morning you showed me exactly how happy you were. Twice. Now tell me the truth.”

Loki forced himself to look into the dark eyes of his lover and felt something inside him physically break. Norns it _hurt_ to see the pain and the fear in Tony’s eyes. His chest ached and he longed to pull Tony close, to kiss him until the frown disappeared and the easygoing smile he had fallen in love with appeared once more. But he couldn’t. He could _not_ allow himself to be weak. Tony’s life and the lives of millions of others depended on it.

The mage pulled his hands free and took a step back, pulling himself to stand at his full height. “My plans are none of your concern. I am a god, I do not have to explain myself to a mere mortal.”

“A mere mortal? I thought I broke you of that bullshit months ago. I’m no mere mortal and you know it. What ever you are planning I can help. I’m a goddamn genius and even though I’m not a ‘god’ I sure as hell rank high enough to be an honorary one!”

_I would make you a god. I would feed you slices of the golden apple one by one then kiss the juice from your lips. What I would give to see you standing at my side as my equal! If only there was more time, my love, if only there was more time._

Loki forced his features to turn cold. “If you were truly a god then you would know how often our tastes change. A lifetime to you is a handful of hours for me. You were a suitable distraction, Stark, and I must thank you; there are not many who could ignite and satiate the tastes of a god. Perhaps I will grace you with my favor in the future.”

Tony’s mind and heart were racing and he fought of the encroaching panic. “So that’s it? I don’t get a say in this? That’s bullshit!” He shoved Loki’s chest with his full strength but he would have had more luck shoving a boulder. “You come in to my life, drag me away from the lab and the tower for months when I could have been making upgrades of my own and now you expect me to just stand idly by while you walk away? You…you said that you loved me, was that a lie too?”

The pain in Tony’s voice was almost too much to withstand and Loki wanted nothing more than to gather the man in his arms and take the ache away. “No, I did not lie. I did love you but I loved you as a child loves a toy.” Loki knew his time was growing short, he had to end this. Tony loved to argue but this was not the time for a drawn-out shouting match. “Did you really think you could hold the favor of a god, Anthony?” Loki knew how he looked, his face cold and the air practically snapping with his sedir. “You, a mortal who is not even a whole man. Who relies on alcohol and technology more than his so called teammates. Someone who claims that he wants to save the world but cannot even save himself. You are pathetic, Stark. Feel privileged that I even bothered to spend a mere moment with you as it is obvious that no one else will.” 

Tears shone in the inventor’s eyes and Loki forced himself to ignore them. _I’m so sorry, Anthony. Can’t you see that none of this is real? Can’t you see that I’m pushing you away in order to save you? You have no idea what is coming and this is the only way I can try to keep you safe. You have every right to hate me but I hope you know how much I love you._

“You are a failure, Stark, and no matter what you do you will never be able to hide that.” With a flick of his hand Tony was shoved back into a chair while ropes appeared and began to bind him.

“What the fuck? Loki, what are you doing? Jarvis?!”

“Your servant is temporarily unavailable, he will be able to come to your aid after I depart.” Loki knelt in front of the prone engineer, a sick smile on his face. “See how helpless you are? And you think you are worthy of a god.” Tony opened his mouth but with a twist of Loki’s fingers his words were silenced. “Enough prattle. Goodbye, Anthony. Feel free to visit my chambers if we ever meet again. I will admit that for a mortal you are rather skilled with that mouth of yours.”

Another gesture and Loki was gone, leaving a large scorch mark in the floor of the lab. The god reappeared in one of his hideouts that had been carved into a moon many worlds away. It was shielded from any and all prying eyes and here he finally allowed himself to give in to the emotion that had been threatening to break free. Hot tears ran down his face as he crumpled to the floor, too weak to stand. He cried for his lost love, for the heart he had been forced to break. In order to keep Tony alive there had to be distance between them and Loki knew he couldn’t just disappear. Tony would scour the universe to find him. Even though it was painful it was for the best. They both would be better off if Tony hated him, that way he wouldn’t do anything stupid in an attempt to save him. Loki knew he was beyond saving. He had cheated death too many times, it was finally time to pay his dues.

Loki cried until he did not have any tears left then he slept. His sleep was fitful and plagued with terrors and he woke more exhausted than the previous day. Closing his eyes he enacted a spell he had been working on for months. Slowly his mind was compartmentalized and each section was locked behind a, hopefully impenetrable, shield until only the most basic and vital functions were left accessible. Calling his armor to himself he added one final touch, the blue glow of the tesseract to his eyes. With a deep breath he centered himself and teleported to his final destination.

It took every ounce of his willpower not to flinch as he knelt at the base of the floating staircase. “For a moment I thought you were ignoring my summons, little god. Pity, I would have enjoyed hunting you once more.”

“It took longer to rid myself of the mortal than anticipated,” replied Loki.

Thanos sat on his throne and beckoned Loki to stand. “Now, little god, what information do you have for me?”

Loki’s smile was wicked and dark. “Let me tell you about the team they call the Avengers. Beginning with the inventor Anthony Stark.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, okay...this was supposed to be a one-shot but so many of you kind people asked if there was going to be another chapter and that plot bunny turned rabid and wouldn't let go.
> 
> *looks up* Please notice that I've updated the warnings. You wanted another chapter...no one promised that it would be a happy one.
> 
> As always, comments and kudos keep the demons quiet and thank you for all of the support with this story!

“Go on,” Loki rasped, his eyes never leaving Tony’s face. He coughed and his lips became startling red with the following exhalation. His breath was rough as he panted, “Finish it.”

Tony’s hand wavered; his head was spinning as adrenaline coursed nauseously through his body. At his feet lay Loki, the one who had shattered his heart and betrayed everyone’s trust months ago by leaving Tony broken on his workshop floor to stand at Thanos’ side once more.

What everyone didn’t know was that Loki had a plan, he always had a plan. It was a double cross on a galactic scale, so expertly executed that Thanos didn’t realize he had been betrayed until it was too late. The act had been so subtle that even Tony didn’t catch on until _after_ the Hulk had pummeled Loki into a crater twice as deep as the one that had been left in Tony’s penthouse. He had called for mean and green to stop but it was too late.

Now here he stood at the edge of the crater, peering down at the broken god who was all but begging for him to end his life. Months ago Tony would have readily taken the shot but after seeing Loki put himself at the mercy of the Mad Titan just so the “heroes” could gain an advantage…that alone was more than enough to give him pause.

In the distance Tony could hear the others rallying together. The Guardians, the Avengers, the Revengers…whatever the hell they were. A group of damaged individuals that somehow came together long enough to keep this world from being torn apart. They were still far off but Tony knew it wouldn’t take long for them to make it to his location.

Loki’s face softened as he watched the emotions play across Tony’s face. “Finish it.” Somehow despite the agonizing pain he was in Loki managed to use a spark of his magic to direct Tony’s repulsor so it was pointed directly at his chest. His ribs were already broken and his spine was fractured, they could heal but he was so weak and his reserves were so low that it would take more time than what was available. As long as Tony didn’t miss his agony would be over in a matter of seconds and then he could finally be at rest. “You’ll be a hero, not only bringing down Thanos but destroying the one who brought him here in the first place.”

“You didn’t lead him here; he was already on his way when you disappeared.” Those were the first words he had spoken to Loki since seeing him appear on the battlefield weeks ago.

“Anthony, I lead him here years ago. You were brilliant enough to realize that I failed in New York on purpose but that failure put your planet on his radar. He had to finish what I had started.” Loki waved vaguely at the destruction surrounding them. “All of this is my fault.” He licked his bloody lips and forced himself not to panic when it became more difficult to breathe. “I’m so proud of you, Anthony.”

“What?” The words shocked Tony so badly that he nearly lost his footing in the mass of rubble.

“You have come so far and grown so much. You’ve fought so hard for a world that has attempted to destroy you at every turn. You’re no longer the Merchant of Death; you should sleep with ease knowing that the red on your ledger has been erased.” Loki smiled slightly even though his broken jaw ached. “Just finish it. You can do it. It will be alright.”

“You want to die?” Tony asked, a slight tremor in his voice. The others were getting closer and he knew their time together was fading.

“Anthony, you and I both know that I will not be leaving this battlefield alive. You are the only one who discovered my true intentions but no one is going to believe you. They all saw me battle alongside Thanos. Dr. Banner’s alter ego attempted to finish me off but was distracted before he could finish the job. My death sentence has already been written and I would rather die by your hand than theirs.”

“I loved you. I loved you and one day you just left. For months I wondered what I had done wrong, if there was anything I could have said or done to change your mind. Then I saw you here, fighting with him and I knew it was all a lie, that you had just used me to get the information that you needed.” Tony laughed, a harsh and bitter sound. “I should have known it was a trick. You’re right, if I wouldn’t have been at the right place at the right time I would have missed it. It was fucking brilliant, you know.”

“I loved you too but I had to leave. Thanos had found me, he summoned me and if I would have ignored him then war would have come to your planet far sooner. I knew you weren’t ready so I had to buy some time.” Loki’s words were getting softer and the color was seeping out of the world with each breath. “I had to hurt you, you needed that pain to move forward.”

“You could have told me! I would have helped you!”

“There was nothing to be done. Look around, Anthony. Thanos threw a _planet_ at your head. Do you really think that you would have been able to stop him coming for me?” 

“I could have done something instead of spending months thinking that you just got bored of me! I wanted to die after you left, I can’t tell you how many days went by when I tried to drown my pain in a bottle.”

“Yet you survived. I knew you would, Anthony.” Loki groaned as a piece of rubble shifted against his midsection. “You would have spent all of your time searching for me if I disappeared instead of spending that time preparing. I will not apologize for my actions, I did what was necessary. I know you have little reason to believe me but know that it pained me as well. If there was another path I gladly would have taken it.” Loki grimaced, he could hear the others approaching. Time was up. “Anthony, please. You must finish this.”

“I…I can’t. You’re innocent!”

“They won’t believe you. They’ll think I’ve enthralled you. You must finish this!”

“Loki…I loved you. As much as I hated you when you left that feeling never went away. I can’t kill you!”

Loki’s fingers would barely obey him but somehow he managed to conjure one of his daggers. He attempted to raise his arm but white hot pain seared his nerves and he let the appendage fall weakly against the ground. “I…I have no energy to go on. If I could end it myself I would but I cannot.” Green eyes met brown and Loki was shocked to see the tears in Tony’s eyes. “Please, Anthony, do not let them kill me. I fear what they would do to me. At least I know you will be merciful.”

Loki had never once expressed fear during his entire relationship with Tony. Pick an emotion and Loki, the diva that he was, had gone through it. Never once had he admitted, out loud at least, that he was afraid of something.

Tony knew S.H.I.E.L.D and their less than conventional methods of dealing with the world’s supervillains. He also knew how his teammates worked. He closed his eyes and felt tears drip onto the broken ground. Loki was right, there was no way he would be allowed to leave this place alive.

“Anthony?”

The word was weak and for the first time Tony truly saw how bad off Loki was. He couldn’t fight back even if he wanted to. He straightened his spine and sent the remaining power in his suit to his right gauntlet. “I love you, Loki.”

“And I you, Anthony.” He closed his eyes and whispered a final phrase. “Thank you.”

In the distance the remaining warriors heard the familiar sound of a repulsor blast then watched in horror as Iron Man fell to his knees, an unearthly cry tearing from his throat to echo across the desolate battlefield.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the title and summary comes from a 90's boyband. Don't judge me.
> 
> I have no idea where this came from. I spit it out in about 30 minutes so if it's terrible, sorry. 
> 
> You know the drill, comments and kudos keep the demons at bay.


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